Among all problems that emerge every day and await solutions, you never should expect no out-of-the-blue matters that devour you. And I really want to vent my grievance, but I know pouring it all out does me no good after all. I hold and choose to forget. Yet it seems like being asked for something is an endless stream of tortures. Why do I have to think for others, when no one is here to think for me? Why am I expected to solve others’ problems, whilst I can always only rely on my own self to keep myself on the right track? The sufferings to endure just to make sure things won’t go wrong. The least voluntary tolerance just to make sure targets are done. But my tolerance is constantly challenged, from all directions. But why me, only me for such mental torture? I never said one complaining word when people thought they could fool me and take advantage easily of me, because I appeared to be better off. I never slapped people on their faces when they were not good enough at what they thought they were, because I think the only goal and the only purpose I was there was only the bigger picture, others were too trivial to deal with. I never laughed when arrogant but ignorant people acted like fools in front of me, they did not know who on earth they were talking to. And I did try to use the nicest words, the least reluctant smile to cover how much efforts it took just to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, whilst all refusals were the only thing they deserved. I asked my sister yesterday, why all these responsibilities? She said, because people think you are more powerful. Power as in capability. It is something to expect from yourself, not from others. Just let me be negative to the max for a moment, please. After this I will just remain silent again to all those responsibilities I am never willing to bear. But still, after this I will give no more tolerance, will not play nice to the incapable and weak. Why should I take care of their feelings when they should really be sorry for themselves? What you deserve really depends on what you give.

P.S. The picture is Peter Sekaer’s on the time of the Great Depression. Life in the hard times.

Sweet dreams are made of this. Who am I to disagree.
I travelled the world and the seven seas. Everybody’s looking for something.
Some of them want to use you. Some of them want to be used by you.
Some of them want to abuse you. Some of them want to be abused.

So darn true.

這個年代，我們都只會掛住眼睛遺忘耳朵味覺。甚麼都忘了要抓住，眼睛太忙忙到任由年歲將一切統統沖走，還不捨得離開熒光一眼。

話說回頭，我確實有因為朋友此番話而閉眼飲咖啡，感受熱喉。原來那陣日日流進食道、自認為終生不能戒掉的味道，我是頭一次認真專注獨處。原來它是畸帶酸的，醋我好過了這麼多年才注意它呱。

最後水滿了我聽不出來。每日十二小時的電腦人生將我荼毒太深。

PS. 圖是FRANCESCA WOODMAN的作品，意境太像我每日自視之感。

I am not particularly into Natalie Walker but this song, from Daves Lounge’s latest episode, does hold some truism.

Have you seen yourself from Mars
Will you ever know how tiny you are
Floating out among the stars
Will we ever learn how lucky we are

Have you sailed around the world
Did you know what you were floating toward
The ocean never knew your name
Underneath the blue we’re all the same

There is only one of you
There is only one today
Don’t we see that we can shine so brightly
So why are we still so afraid

We build rockets out of hope
But never seem to get them in the air
And all our dreams are left to rust
Up at the Milky Way we sit and stare

One day we’ll see what it is we can be
One day we’ll see what it is we can be…

Now it’s 2012. I am too not sober to feel it. No, I didn’t drink. I gave myself a heavy dose of flu’ relief pills, which may be able to make me feel better, but definitely not deep inside. I think I’d better stay in the shell I chose for myself. The bus ran really fast. Archive’s Cloud in the Sky was looping as I flew through the bridge. Looking at the dim city lights. I miss a city. I miss the lights. This city is a funny place, the world a carnival as a matter of fact. The old woman was on the street 3am in the morning, pausing after every few steps. There was a drunk man lying right at the entrance of a building. Entertaining, very entertaining. I think the fruitful full stop of 2011 gave me some strength, somehow. To prove that I can actually realise my visions. Yes i do have visions, and yes I am 26. So those may not be a result of seasoned thinking but do stand for truism. I am still not sober to think. Perhaps I should get some sleep. As I wake up again I will face the fact that it’s now 2012. Our final year – I chose to be pessimistic instead of having my time cheerfully wasted. This year is my time. Though I made myself jobless last year, this year I will prove job is not the only thing I build accomplishments upon. The world is too fragile, we can’t stand back and see it die gracefully. Shall we die we die with dignity.

2012 I will move on. I know who exactly I want to be. I know what exactly I want to do. Yes, will be it, will do it. I will remember every face that made my day in 2011. Every word that rocked my world. Every moment that made this year a remarkable one.

我們終於走出了第一步，做了這件我們說了好多年的事。2011年12月26日，POP UP SWAP誕生。

講返轉頭，我和妹當時還是20出頭。埋首研讀《YEN》 報導的CLOTHING EXCHANGE，繼而認真閱讀弄一個這樣的活動要甚麼條件。說得火熱，想得誇張，但我們當時還是初出尖咀的o靚妹，對住一屋利時美芝，妄想搞一個美華般的市集娛人娛己。當時我們都自知沒有能力，所以再大宏志都只係每年提起兩三次。僅此而已。

我的環保火隨年月俱增，對於終能掌控自己的人生而開始振奮。或者我們能？這個理念一直未退反增。去年我曾經做過關於合作性消費（Collaborative Consumption)的專題，並因而探討了好多例子。Rachel Botsman在TED的一段演講言猶在耳，《What’s Mine is Yours》確實對我影響非常深。尤其是香港：大家看得世界很小，個人利益卻很大。港女瘋狂購物，空買來一堆無用物品的形象——我在講自己——令人嘔心。空揮霍換來一屋物品，然後各自家中空擺的一堆物資，卻不知原來周遭有多少減少消費的機會。我們身在物質社會，卻不自知物質有多充裕，精神生活有多貧乏。枉活在發達城市，枉得天寵，枉為人。

到了這兩年，終於同兩位摯愛密友私下嘗試SWAP衣服起來。記得第一次是非常的混亂，但大家都終算拿走了好多熱情過後只得冷感的衣物。告別舊愛，交結新歡。依舊滿足濫物之天性，卻同時以冇咁折墮的方式償慾。過之兩次，我們終於決定來一次公開的，招來各方好友。

與妹狂想時二十出頭，這一年我二十六歲。在末年末月二十六號成事。因為別人的SWAP尤如夜冷，我們要這件為有型的事。我們稱之為POP UP SWAP。

事先事後的確花了好多時間，費盡好多功夫，為一件自求價值，不求收益的事。得愛妹和幾位好友極力游說，總算有40+人拿來物品出席。我知道，大家來這裡抱著的心態都不同。我知道，大家都於這裡都各有期望。但係畢竟此件也只是為了減少消費，延續被大家冷落的物資的生命。才40+人已得來滿倉物品，可想而知全港甚至整個地球有多少可以分享而未盡其用的物資。這次最高興係唔只有女仔換衫，甚至多人換書，換CD/VCD/DVD，甚至其他玩具同雜物。我們有搾汁機、燙斗。有Polaroid、有菲林，甚至有全SET SNOOPY杯仔（邊個話用黎飲espresso？）。回家後上Facebook睇住各位UPLOAD各自的戰利品，真係滿足到喊。

繁多物品，大好氣氛。

多謝所有背後出好多力的好友：多謝Kodi、Jason事先事中事後都極力幫心。感激義務拍片影相的CMK同YHO。當然不得不多謝全世界最好的Pete，一直義無反顧出力無以為計。由設計場地到苦力到打碟都一手包辦﹗當然唔少得策略和聲廉價提供場地，Andru更搬出私人DJ SET。

TOGETHER WE WILL AGAIN FILL AND EMPTY IT!

I am well prepared for a slap on my face, forcing me to believe it will be my last Christmas. This year, nothing holy. No Christmas carols. No Christmas Eve mass. Just some fun and things that I will never regret. On Christmas Eve, my first time to deejay. I learnt how to play smoothly, and enjoyed a lot how songs that always bomb my ears bombed others’ ears – and with Pete’s superb DVJing. Satisfaction is because we still have the energy and passion to deal with all the hassle just for something fun.

I won’t regret if it will be my last year, because life has been too good to me. I am chanting in my heart throughout the whole night.

A recent graduate from Bezalel Academy of Art and Design, Sonnenschein prefers to spend his time making hand-made objects instead of working in front of the computer screen. Using a simple molding and drying technique, the designer developed a series of zero-waste biodegradable functional objects including cups, plates, spoons, and even small jars. He even tried turning the orange peels inside out, which gives the object a softer white texture.

From Inhabitat

終於翻開那本送來已久的《COLORS》。可別誤會，我才沒有嫌棄它的污穢。
是否我太久沒有留意內容？是進化了還是換了骨？
這期的內容沒有以往訪問集般的形式，反而是難得的全面。
全面的看屎，沒錯，屎。
那個我們無從以優雅的字體寫得出的字，又無從以悅耳的聲線發出的音。
一身華麗衣服的上流，甚至裝模作樣得假裝自己沒有放屁排便的本能需要。
《COLORS》說：你認為「屎」難以啟齒，那是因為你好運。
世界上三分之二的人口——他們沒有廁所—— 與屎親暱的過每一天。
他們排便，吃便，也因便而死。
最妙是BACK COVER的肥皂，算是幫你清洗過腦袋
（應該是荒唐人類最髒骯的器官）

鼕 – 粵語發音係：dung1; tung4

形容敲鼓﹑敲門等的聲音。如：「鼓聲鼕鼕」、「鼕鼕鼕……，一陣急促的敲門聲，驚醒了屋內熟睡的人們。」唐˙劉禹錫˙同白二十二贈王山人詩：「笑聽鼕鼕朝暮鼓，只能催得市朝人。」
很無聊，我知道。